The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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