I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
