Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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