Plan B is the new Plan A
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
