found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
