I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
