I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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