oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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