4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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