He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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