I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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