Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
