You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
