did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
