So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
