Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
