I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I cut my penus on the lid.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
