i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
