Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
