i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
