I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
