fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
