dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
