just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
