You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
