I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
