Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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