She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
