i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
