If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
