is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
