i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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