His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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