What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
