coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
