i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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