grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
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I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
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He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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