remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it hurts more in the daytime
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
