I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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