Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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