Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
