if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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