so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
