I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
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all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
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we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.