I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.