Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dating After Heartbreak
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos