dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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