i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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