he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
