I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
