respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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