woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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