So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
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Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
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Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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