Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it hurts more in the daytime
what day is it and did you see me today?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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