she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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