She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
