she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
