dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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