Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
