i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
