i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
